Miserable

Addiction sucks. I'm three days into my current fast. It has been a minute-by-minute struggle the entire time. My brain has continuously demanded that I eat. When it wasn't trying to convince me that it would be okay if I ate "just a little". Or telling me that I'm doomed to fail anyway and I might as well give up and eat whatever I want. Or reminding me of just how much weight I still need to lose and how long it will take even if I don't eat anything the entire time, and how it's hopeless and/or not worth the effort. This is addiction. And it is miserable. 

Well...

I ate the meal on Friday, 30 September, like I said I was going to do in my last post. Prior to said meal, I weighed 259.5 pounds. 

But as has been the case so many times in the past, it didn't stop with that meal. It ended up being a departure from the plan for over fifteen days. I ate whatever the fuck I wanted, and however much of it that I wanted. This past Sunday, my weight was back at 278.5. Half a pound was all that remained of the loss that I struggled so hard for. 

I haven't eaten since Saturday evening - the splurge that sent me to 278.5. This morning, three days after that horrible weigh-in, I weighed 263.5. I've been lethargic and downright irritable. Mostly, I'm mad at myself for giving in to the food addiction for so long and putting myself in this position.  

I must get down to 175, and in a hurry. My in progress multi-thousand dollar aircraft upgrade will be wasted if I fail. It is being upgraded to fly under instrument flight rules. I require training and certification to make use of this ability. Training requires flying with an instructor. Flying with an instructor requires sufficient weight carrying capacity. At my current weight, with full fuel, my instructor can weigh 36.5 pounds. 

If I can get to 175, that number will go up to 125. Full fuel weighs 180 pounds, so I can leave half behind, still have two hours of flight time plus legal daytime reserve, and increase that to 215 pounds available for a CFI. That's about the bottom for the ones I'm finding, and many weigh closer to 250. Less than half fuel is a hard NO, so either I lose weight, or I conjure a petite five-foot nothing 135-pound instrument instructor out of thin air, or never get my rating. 

I will get my rating. 

So I will lose the weight.  Right. Fucking. Now.  

Let's Go

I've had several failed attempts since my last entry here. I decided that I'd wait until I had at least a small bit of initial success before starting to write about it again. Here we are. 

Eight days ago was my and my wife's anniversary. I weighed 282 pounds, very close to my heaviest ever. I decided that after our celebratory meal, I'd attempt a long-term fast yet again. 

Late that day, after the meal, she got a short notice request to go to help with the grandkid the next day. There were leftovers from the anniversary meal and the previous day's leftover roast in the refrigerator. She'd planned to consume both over the next couple days, but now wasn't going to be around to do so. I ate it the day she left, delaying the start of my planned fast, to prevent its going bad. 

The following day, I started my fast. I weighed 279 that morning. I fasted four days, weighing in at 264.5 the morning of day four - really only three days and a few hours into the fast. That evening, I decided that 92 hours was enough, and I ate a meal consisting of approximately 1200 calories.  

However, given the success of that almost four day fast, I decided to see how many four-day fasts I could stack together. Each would be interrupted by a single meal of 1000-1500 calories, consumed within 30 minutes. 

The next day, I weighed 265. My single meal had cost me half a pound plus whatever loss I would have experienced that day had I not eaten. The next day found me at 261.5. It had been over 36 hours since said meal, but my weigh-in schedule has me weighing immediately upon waking and I'm working an odd shift this week. That delayed things. 

As I write this, I'm fifty-five hours since food. I'm going to try really hard to make it to Friday night, at which time I will have the same meal I ate after the first four days. What meal is that, you ask? Six scrambled eggs, an entire 14-ounce can of corned beef hash, and a handful of walnuts for fiber. And because walnuts are yummy. 

We'll see how long I can stretch this out. I haven't been below 250 since January of 2021. I hope to be there in a few more four-day cycles.  My last weigh-in under 240 was in March of 2020. My goal is to be there by the end of October. I haven't seen even high 220s since April 2019. Thanksgiving is the goal for that. 

Since I've been tracking my weight through Garmin's app, starting in 2016, I have never logged a weight below 220. I hope to change that by the end of the year. God help me. 

Another Attempt

Well, I made it back into the 270s, within a few pounds of my heaviest weight ever, and decided that I had to try again. I'm struggling to finish my second day of fasting. As I write this, midnight is moments away. I made it through yesterday by taking things one day at a time. "Maybe I'll eat tomorrow, but not today." That (and being busy) worked today too, until around 1900. By then, I was done outside for the day and had been relaxing for an hour or two. And it hit me. I want to eat. I'm not hungry, but I want to eat. It got worse at 2200 when Wife went to bed. I almost got a handful of peanuts from the pantry. But I know that the minute I eat anything, I'll start eating everything. Fuck it, I'm going to bed. I'm not sleepy, but if I stay up my chances of success plummet. Maybe I'll eat tomorrow. 

Day Fifty-five

254.4 pounds today. 

Day Fifty-four

256.6 pounds.  

Day Fifty-three

256.8 pounds. Thought I stayed keto with a reasonable calorie count yesterday. Maybe not. 

Day Fifty-two

255.2 pounds.  Not surprising since I usually don't eat after 1800 but yesterday I forgot to take my supplements.  I took them at 0100 with a small meal just before going to bed.  

Day Fifty-one

253.4 pounds.  Holding steady-ish. Let's see if I can keep the trend going.  

Day Fifty

253.0 pounds. Finally back to where I was on day eight. 

Day Forty-nine

254.6 pounds today. 

Day Forty-eight

256.4 pounds. 

Day Forty-seven

256.8 pounds.  Found my appetite. Ate my leftovers from Outback.  

Day Forty-six

256.0 pounds.