Miserable

Addiction sucks. I'm three days into my current fast. It has been a minute-by-minute struggle the entire time. My brain has continuously demanded that I eat. When it wasn't trying to convince me that it would be okay if I ate "just a little". Or telling me that I'm doomed to fail anyway and I might as well give up and eat whatever I want. Or reminding me of just how much weight I still need to lose and how long it will take even if I don't eat anything the entire time, and how it's hopeless and/or not worth the effort. This is addiction. And it is miserable. 

Well...

I ate the meal on Friday, 30 September, like I said I was going to do in my last post. Prior to said meal, I weighed 259.5 pounds. 

But as has been the case so many times in the past, it didn't stop with that meal. It ended up being a departure from the plan for over fifteen days. I ate whatever the fuck I wanted, and however much of it that I wanted. This past Sunday, my weight was back at 278.5. Half a pound was all that remained of the loss that I struggled so hard for. 

I haven't eaten since Saturday evening - the splurge that sent me to 278.5. This morning, three days after that horrible weigh-in, I weighed 263.5. I've been lethargic and downright irritable. Mostly, I'm mad at myself for giving in to the food addiction for so long and putting myself in this position.  

I must get down to 175, and in a hurry. My in progress multi-thousand dollar aircraft upgrade will be wasted if I fail. It is being upgraded to fly under instrument flight rules. I require training and certification to make use of this ability. Training requires flying with an instructor. Flying with an instructor requires sufficient weight carrying capacity. At my current weight, with full fuel, my instructor can weigh 36.5 pounds. 

If I can get to 175, that number will go up to 125. Full fuel weighs 180 pounds, so I can leave half behind, still have two hours of flight time plus legal daytime reserve, and increase that to 215 pounds available for a CFI. That's about the bottom for the ones I'm finding, and many weigh closer to 250. Less than half fuel is a hard NO, so either I lose weight, or I conjure a petite five-foot nothing 135-pound instrument instructor out of thin air, or never get my rating. 

I will get my rating. 

So I will lose the weight.  Right. Fucking. Now.  

Let's Go

I've had several failed attempts since my last entry here. I decided that I'd wait until I had at least a small bit of initial success before starting to write about it again. Here we are. 

Eight days ago was my and my wife's anniversary. I weighed 282 pounds, very close to my heaviest ever. I decided that after our celebratory meal, I'd attempt a long-term fast yet again. 

Late that day, after the meal, she got a short notice request to go to help with the grandkid the next day. There were leftovers from the anniversary meal and the previous day's leftover roast in the refrigerator. She'd planned to consume both over the next couple days, but now wasn't going to be around to do so. I ate it the day she left, delaying the start of my planned fast, to prevent its going bad. 

The following day, I started my fast. I weighed 279 that morning. I fasted four days, weighing in at 264.5 the morning of day four - really only three days and a few hours into the fast. That evening, I decided that 92 hours was enough, and I ate a meal consisting of approximately 1200 calories.  

However, given the success of that almost four day fast, I decided to see how many four-day fasts I could stack together. Each would be interrupted by a single meal of 1000-1500 calories, consumed within 30 minutes. 

The next day, I weighed 265. My single meal had cost me half a pound plus whatever loss I would have experienced that day had I not eaten. The next day found me at 261.5. It had been over 36 hours since said meal, but my weigh-in schedule has me weighing immediately upon waking and I'm working an odd shift this week. That delayed things. 

As I write this, I'm fifty-five hours since food. I'm going to try really hard to make it to Friday night, at which time I will have the same meal I ate after the first four days. What meal is that, you ask? Six scrambled eggs, an entire 14-ounce can of corned beef hash, and a handful of walnuts for fiber. And because walnuts are yummy. 

We'll see how long I can stretch this out. I haven't been below 250 since January of 2021. I hope to be there in a few more four-day cycles.  My last weigh-in under 240 was in March of 2020. My goal is to be there by the end of October. I haven't seen even high 220s since April 2019. Thanksgiving is the goal for that. 

Since I've been tracking my weight through Garmin's app, starting in 2016, I have never logged a weight below 220. I hope to change that by the end of the year. God help me. 

Another Attempt

Well, I made it back into the 270s, within a few pounds of my heaviest weight ever, and decided that I had to try again. I'm struggling to finish my second day of fasting. As I write this, midnight is moments away. I made it through yesterday by taking things one day at a time. "Maybe I'll eat tomorrow, but not today." That (and being busy) worked today too, until around 1900. By then, I was done outside for the day and had been relaxing for an hour or two. And it hit me. I want to eat. I'm not hungry, but I want to eat. It got worse at 2200 when Wife went to bed. I almost got a handful of peanuts from the pantry. But I know that the minute I eat anything, I'll start eating everything. Fuck it, I'm going to bed. I'm not sleepy, but if I stay up my chances of success plummet. Maybe I'll eat tomorrow. 

Day Fifty-five

254.4 pounds today. 

Day Fifty-four

256.6 pounds.  

Day Fifty-three

256.8 pounds. Thought I stayed keto with a reasonable calorie count yesterday. Maybe not. 

Day Fifty-two

255.2 pounds.  Not surprising since I usually don't eat after 1800 but yesterday I forgot to take my supplements.  I took them at 0100 with a small meal just before going to bed.  

Day Fifty-one

253.4 pounds.  Holding steady-ish. Let's see if I can keep the trend going.  

Day Fifty

253.0 pounds. Finally back to where I was on day eight. 

Day Forty-nine

254.6 pounds today. 

Day Forty-eight

256.4 pounds. 

Day Forty-seven

256.8 pounds.  Found my appetite. Ate my leftovers from Outback.  

Day Forty-six

256.0 pounds.  

Day Forty-five

257.4 pounds this morning.  Not sure why. Haven't had shit for an appetite in a week. Tomorrow will be worse. Belated birthday meal for wife at Outback today - yesterday was the day but I had to work. 

Day Forty-four

256.4. I got my appetite back yesterday. Still barking my head off until I get cough meds on board in the morning though. 

Day Forty-three

254.8 pounds.  Almost back to where I was on day eight. 

Day Forty-two

255.0 pounds this morning.  Being sick and not having an appetite does have some advantages.  

Day Forty-one

257.0 pounds. Still sick. 

Day Forty

258.8 pounds. Still feel like warmed over dog shit. 

Day Thirty-nine

261.8 pounds. Sigh. 

Day Thirty-eight

262.0 pounds this morning. Still fighting off the dregs of whatever I caught last Thursday. Not as worried about calories and carbs as I usually would be.  

Day Thirty-seven

261.0 pounds. Still under the weather but improving.  

Day Thirty-six

Keto yesterday.  Also under the weather yesterday, continuing into today. 261.4 pounds.  

Day Thirty-five

Was only keto-ish yesterday. Scale reflected it: 262.0 pounds. 

Day Thirty-four

261.0 pounds this morning. I maintained keto yesterday, but didn't track calories.  Still eight pounds more than I weighed twenty-six days ago, but significantly better than three days ago.  I'll take it and keep pressing on. 

Day Thirty-three

264.4 pounds this morning.  I didn't do great yesterday but stayed mostly on track. 

Day Thirty-two

Back on track yesterday. 996 calories, 25 carbs. Scale read 269.8 pounds upon waking. See if I can do another good day today.

Day Thirty-one

Chips. Queso. (The last of both.) Egg salad sandwiches. Snickers. And two McChicken sandwiches on the way home last night. This morning I weighed 274.2 pounds. My back hurts when I walk. I get out of breath when I do anything physical. A week to fuck it all up. 

Day Thirty

There was leftover chips and queso. Lots of it. 

Day Twenty-nine

Got drunk last night. Ate lots of chips and queso. 

Day Twenty-eight

Another bad day. There was leftover mac and cheese. Weight unknown.  

Day Twenty-seven

If I weighed, I forgot to log it. Had lots of calories and carbs today, mostly in the form of mac and cheese with kielbasa.  

Day Twenty-six

265.8 pounds. 

Day Twenty-five

262.6 pounds. 

Day Twenty-four

Sorry for the tardiness of this update - ive been busy. 263.4 today. 

Day Twenty-three

Sorry for the tardiness of this update - ive been busy. 260.8 today. 

Day Twenty-two

Sorry for the tardiness of this update - I've been busy. 261.6 today. 

Day Twenty-one

Sorry for the tardiness of this update - I've been busy. 261.2 today. 

Day Twenty

259.0 pounds this morning.  I've been keto for a few dats now. Not sure why the weight isn't coming back off more quickly. Did two days of indiscretion really make me gain almost ten pounds?  I wouldn't think so, given the calorie content of ten pounds, but it's sticking around like it's permanent and not a fluid thing caused by either sodium intake or water weight from coming out of ketosis.  Whatever it is, it's annoying.  

Day Nineteen

259.6 pounds. 

Day Eighteen

263.0 pounds. And I did keto yesterday. Frustrating. Guess I only lose weight when I fast. 

Day Seventeen

263.2 pounds. 

Day Sixteen

262.6 pounds. Should've been more. I ate a whole medium meat pizza. 

Day Fifteen

258.8 pounds. Screw this, I'm not eating anything this weekend.  

Day Fourteen

255.8 this morning. Not sure why the gain, I stayed keto yesterday. Guess I'll have to fast again.  

Day Thirteen

255.0 pounds. Progress, but still not there yet.  

Day Twelve

258.8 pounds. Two pounds in the right direction, but still 5.8 from where I was four days ago. Funny how it comes on in 48 hours but takes a week to go away even when not eating. 

Day Eleven

Fell so far off the wagon yesterday that I completely lost sight of the damn thing. The scale this morning reflected as much. 260.8 pounds. Undid all but four pounds of the progress I'd made. Not much else to say.  

Day Ten

I forgot to weigh myself this morning, so I have no data. Update tomorrow.  

Day Nine

Failed day yesterday.  Had a hankering for pizza, so I ate a Marco's pizza bowl. I knew it would be over my calorie limit, and probably the carb limit too, but without the crust I hoped to stay keto-ish at least and recover/reestablish today. Nope.  This morning I weighed two hundred fifty-seven point eight, BMI forty-fiur point three. Daily change plus four point eight pounds and a BMI increase of zero point nine. In one fucking day. From a pizza bowl. Cumulative eight-day totals: negative seven pounds and negative one point two BMI. I guess I really can't eat anything. 

Day Eight

I ate (the calorie-restricted keto diet) yesterday. Today I weighed two hundred fifty-three even and my BMI was forty-three point four. Daily change was zero point two pounds lost and a BMI drop of zero point one. Cumulative seven-day totals are eleven point eight pounds lost and a drop of two point one in BMI.  Nothing remarkable to report.  

Day Seven

Today I weighed in at two hundred fifty-three point two pounds, BMI forty-three point five. That's a daily loss of one point four pounds and a BMI drop of zero point two. Six day cumulative totals are eleven point six pounds less and two point zero lower BMI.  

My body hates me and is doing its level best to manipulate me into making unhelpful decisions.  Not long after I posted yesterday's update, my stomach started throwing fits. Obviously, it wants food. I probably should've ignored it and not eaten the day before. After trying to ignore it for a couple hours, I cooked and ate the same scrambled egg burrito thing that I had yesterday. I felt better for a couple hours, but the discomfort returned.  

Later in the day as my discomfort and annoyance levels both climbed, I decided to at least temporarily suspend phases one and two. For now I'll do the strict keto thing and see how it goes. I'll probably try more fasts in the future to accelerate my progress but for now it's one thousand calories and twenty grams of carbs per day. Maximum. Yesterday I had some 86/14 ground beef patties to get to almost exactly one thousand calories. No cheese, no buns, just the meat. I ended the day with ten net carbs. 

I felt much better after eating the meat, and the improvement held through the evening. I slept well last night and feel normal today. We'll see how the day progresses. 

Day Six

Two hundred fifty-four point six pounds, BMI forty-three point seven. Daily loss of zero point two pounds. No change in BMI. Cumulative five-day totals are ten point two pounds lost and a one point eight drop in BMI. 

Yesterday was a real struggle.  Energy level was low, but I was mostly functional. I had to force down the supplements and the fiber infused tea. It took most of the day to get one electrolyte drink down. My stomach was on the edge of upset all day, and I was generally miserable. Finally, around 1700 - one hundred thirteen hours after my last meal, I decided to break the fast. I had two eggs scrambled with a touch of bacon bits and some shredded cheddar cheese in a Mission Carb Balance tortilla.  Three hundred eighty-five calories and nine net carbs.  This decision kicked me out of autophagy, but I'm still in deep ketosis. My stomach distress disappeared immediately after I ate. 

The new plan is to fast as long as I can, and when my body pushes back too hard I'll have a similar meal and then fast again.  Maybe I'll make the rest of the forty days. Maybe I won't make it through the weekend. Time will tell. As long as I can go at least 72 hours between meals, my weight loss should continue at a respectable pace.  

Day Five

I'm ten percent of the way through phase one. I weighed two hundred fifty-four point eight pounds this morning, BMI forty-three point seven. Daily loss of two pounds, BMI down zero point four. Cumulative four-day totals of ten pounds lost and a decrease in BMI of one point eight. 

Yesterday was a bit of a challenge. My activity level was low, not for lack of energy but because I didn't have much physical stuff on my schedule for the day. However, while my energy level felt normal while sedentary or performing light activities, the one time I did have something a bit more physical to do, I tired out very quickly.  

I didn't experience any physical hunger, but the mental urge to eat was back in full force. I had one instance of mild diarrhea, but felt otherwise fine physically.  I consumed my usual - water, tea, electrolytes, supplements, fiber, and apple cider vinegar. 

I slept well last night.  Although my fitness tracker shows about the same amount of REM sleep as usual, I remember dreaming more than normal. I still don't remember details - I rarely do - but most of the time I don't remember dreaming at all. 

Day Four

This morning the scale recorded me at two hundred fifty-six point eight pounds,  which translates to a BMI of forty-four point one. That's a daily loss of one point eight pounds and a BMI drop of zero point three. Cumulative totals for the three days are eight pounds lost and a drop in BMI of one point four. 

Yesterday I had a bit of lethargy/lack of energy early, but it passed after an hour or two. My overall activity level was low to moderate, and I was able to function normally. I did seem to run low on energy a little earlier in the evening than usual, but not by a lot. 

The prebiotic fiber showed up early in the afternoon and I had a dose/serving with some Earl Grey tea. I used a little erythrinol (a zero calorie sugar alcohol sweetener recommended for keto diets) to improve the experience, but it wasn't really necessary. There is very little taste to it, so the tea just tasted like tea. The powder doesn't fully dissolve, so some continued stirring or swishing is needed to get it all. 

I chose Hyperbiotics Organic Prebiotic Powder, and for now I recommend it. I'll update if my opinion changes. I felt no physical hunger, and experienced zero stomach distress of any kind, including the mild gnawing sensation that I usually get intermittently for a couple days at about this point in a fast. In fact, for the rest of the day I physically felt as though I'd just eaten thirty minutes prior. 

I only consumed water, the tea, my usual supplements (now including the fiber) and one electrolyte drink. 

Sleep last night was unremarkable. All in all, there is little indication that I haven't eaten in roughly eighty hours except for my brain screaming at me to eat (which it does constantly, even when not fasting). Even that part seems to be less intense and easier to ignore than usual. 

Day Three

Two hundred fifty-eight point six pounds, BMI forty-four point four this morning. That's two point eight pounds and zero point five BMI lost for the day. Cumulative totals for two days are six point two pounds lost and a one point one BMI drop. 

I have a slight headache this morning.  I don't know if it is related to the fast or just one of those things. I'm not prone to headaches generally, but they do pop up occasionally.  Otherwise, I feel normally today. I want food like always, but don't have any physical hunger. 

Day Two

I weighed in at two hundred sixty-one point eight pounds this morning, BMI forty-four point nine. That's a loss of three point four pounds and a BMI drop of zero point six for the day. I had a diet soda yesterday, which I consider a slip but not a breaking of the fast. I feel as I usually do, and my sleep was unremarkably normal - although the definition of normal sleep for me does vary night-to-night for reasons I've yet to divine. 

This morning in addition to my normal vitamins and supplements, I had a shot of apple cider vinegar. Some say it's beneficial, and at zero calories it can't hurt. I also prepared a zero calorie electrolyte drink using Key Nutrients electrolyte powder. I've used this product in the past, and recommend it. I ordered some prebiotic fiber (due to arrive the day after tomorrow) that is recommended by multiple sources for gut health and hunger control during prolonged fasts. Barring a negative reaction from my body, I will continue the vinegar, electrolytes and prebiotic fiber (once received) but have no intentions of otherwise altering my supplement intake.  

Day One

 I'm a fifty-one year old male. I was five feet four inches tall last time I measured, but that was thirty years ago. I'm probably barely five feet now, but I'm going to stick with five-four. I've been fat most of my life, from husky-sized jeans in elementary school until now. 

The most successful weight-loss technique for me is low-carb (keto/Atkins) combined with intermittent fasting. However, to date I have been unable to sustain it long-term.  I'll lose fifteen to twenty pounds, get tired of the restrictions, quit, and gain back twenty-five pounds. That cycle has brought me to where I am today. Two hundred sixty-four point eight pounds when I got out of bed this morning. That's a BMI of forty-five point five (based on my assumed height) for those who use that particular method of insanity. 

Why insanity? Because based on that, I should weigh between one hundred eight and one hundred forty-five pounds.  My goal is one hundred sixty-five. That's firmly in the Overweight category based on BMI, a paltry ten pounds from Obese. Hell, I'll be happy at one seventy-five - the bottom edge for obesity. 

I've done water fasts before, once for eleven days. They are a very effective way to lose weight and according to some people a great way to cleanse/renew the body. I intend to do forty days initially, and possibly extend beyond that if all goes well. I'll check in every day with a weight, and probably a brief commentary on my physical and mental state.